


Five memories and one regret

by BlueberryPerson



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Other, but mostly just angst, sharing is caring, suffer with me people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 22:15:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5843026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueberryPerson/pseuds/BlueberryPerson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Memories are so easily to slip and fall for. Memories can be tempting. Memories can be dangerous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five memories and one regret

**Author's Note:**

  * For [madetobeworthy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/madetobeworthy/gifts).



> So this is literally my first attempt at actual fanfiction in over four years, so... There is that. And I'm also a little scared for what this will end up like. And basically this is just something for the spur of the moment, not particularly proof read or anything. Sorry about that. I'd also like to point out that English isn't my first language so please excuse any quick mistakes or mixing of words and so on. If you see them I'd be happy to have them politely pointed out for me tho!

They had been so small. So excited for even the smallest of things. Their minds so clean from both opinions and experience. Nothing clouding the world just yet. Only the purest of emotions running free, being allowed to envelope them so completely. Any new experience and place had them both so enchanted. 

Poe could only wish and dream of a mind so pure now.

Thinking back had his very bones ache with need for something similar. Something he could grasp and appreciate. Something that didn't necessarily have to make him smile, but at least could have him feel deeply, passionately. He craved it like air. Craved it the same way he desired to sit in a cockpit. Or no that was an unfair comparison. He wanted it even more. As much as he loved his job, loved flying. This was something else, something more important and precious.

Resting his head back against the keel of the x-wing, he turned his back against the machinery he'd been working on. He couldn't concentrate on what his hands were doing, and would end up more likely to electrocute himself somehow if he didn't take a moment to pause. This nostalgia was dangerous, he knew as much. But he could do little but give in to it.

 

\---

 

Tiny hands grabbed hard on the wooden weapons they had made, despite both Chewie and Leia saying they were not allowed. Rules was meant to be broken right? The thrill of doing such things sure felt giddy enough for the both to enjoy. At least Poe thought they both enjoyed it. They laughed at least. Laughed as they ran and hit each other. No swing had enough force to hurt, or even leave a bruise. It was just play. Imagining themselves as Jedi of old. From the stories Luke had told, with the pictures they had drawn. Leia had been particularly helpful bringing home pens and pencils of as many kinds she could come across on her meetings. Though it was only Han that had managed to bring them any real crayons. Crayons with colors. Crayons they had mushed a mess with over their wooden weapons, to give each blade it's own light.

Ben's was blue, like his uncle's was.

Poe had wanted red, but Ben had told him elaborately, or rather as elaborately as a five year old could. about the Sith. What the red blades was associated with.

Poe had settled for purple. A compromise.

 

\---

 

They were only seven years old the first time Han was allowed to bring them with him on the Millennium Falcon. Both boys had insisted on sitting in a lap each, and Han had grumbled when Ben had picked Chewie over his own father's lap. The domesticated smuggler had only settled when he realized how much attention Poe payed to everything he said. Taking in all information and storing it away to never forget. Which was rather the opposite of the little rascal sitting with his fluffy friend.

The tall skinny boy Ben was payed no attention to neither friend, father, or ship. He was absolutely focused on the Wookie, trying to imitate the sounds he had been taught, and laughing whenever Chewie replied.

Only when the light freighter came to lift from the ground did both boys pay attention. For the briefest moment they shared a look. Clear excitement sparking through them. They were taking off. They were actually traveling the great wast space with Han Solo and Chewbacca. 

They were going to brag so much when they came back.

 

\--

 

"Wwwah rrroooaaah wha?"

Ben's large eyes looked at his shorter friend from above the later's shoulder. Inspecting whatever he was battling against for Poe's attention.

"No, Ben. I'm busy."  
"No you're not."  
"Am too."

With a pout the smaller boy turned around, giving his friend a good look of how little he wished to indulge him.

"And stop talking like that. You're no Wookie."  
"At least I can speak like one!"  
"Only because you have ears like one!"

Before the words even had left him, Poe regretted it. The damage was done, and the pain was obvious on Ben's face. The betrayal and disbelief as clear as day. He hadn't meant to say- well that wasn't true. He had meant to say it, that's why the words still hung in the air between them. He simply didn't mean to hurt his friend. His best friend. Yet he had. He wanted to apologize, to salvage what was left. Yet Ben turned, walked away, then ran, he left before Poe could will himself to make words pass his lips. 

 

\---

 

Standing outside the front door of the Organa-Solo family home, Poe waited patiently for Ben to answer the door. He didn't. Instead it was Han, looking very much like he just had woken up. Though judging by what look usually befell on the man it wasn't the necessary reason for it.

"Hey kid..."  
There was a sad tone to it. Poe just knew something was coming from this that he didn't like.  
"... he doesn't want to see me."  
"I'm sorry, I can't make him do anything, kid. You know how-"  
"It's okay, Mr Sol- Han."  
"Tell you what? Try again tomorrow. He will come around."

He didn't wait. Well he did, but not a whole day. Just a few hours. Within three hours Poe was back, carrying a large backpack that seemed ready to burst at the seams.

This time he didn't knock on the door.

Force or not, Poe still knew how to climb a wall, and he had climbed up to Ben's window far too many times. Though most times the window he was aiming for was also open. But he was going to work out that part of the plan later. Scaling the wall was easy enough. Even sitting on the small ledge outside the window was a simple task. Getting the window open was, as predicted. the hard part.

He had opted for not knocking. But scratching, pushing, pulling... neither of it help and it all made sounds and soon enough it was as bad as if he had been knocking. Because Ben was yanking the curtains away so fast Poe almost fell backwards.

"What are you doing?!"

Before Poe could even answer the window was open, and he was getting pulled inside. While Ben looked positively both mad and scared, Poe looked nothing short but amused and proud.

"I'm here to show you my astroid, because you're my best friend, dumb-ass."  
"... that what you were working on?"  
"I'm gonna need your help though."

 

\---

 

The rumors just couldn't be true. It wasn't fair if they were. It had to be wrong. A mistake. 

Running as fast as his legs could carry him, Poe ran through the halls, he had to hear it directly from someone, anyone. that he could believe in. He ducked under arms that tried to block his way. Refused to listen to those yelling he wasn't allowed, that he was trespassing.

"Is it true?! Is what they are saying true?!"

Several sets of eyes turned Poe's way as he crashed through the door, heaving for air. Desperate for it to not be true. But seeing the look on both Leia and Han's faces was more than enough to confirm it. The rest of the room, and the people in it,  no matter their titles or how important they were. They all just faded from his view. He felt sick. He wanted to throw up.

Before he could keel over Han held his shoulder firmly, shoving something leathery in his arms. Looking down it was a jacket. It seemed new but it was already dirty and dusty. 

"Kid, you need to leave this room. This isn't a good place for you, alright?"  
"But-"  
"... Poe, take the jacket and go. We will talk to you later."

He didn't want to go. Didn't want to be apart from this, he wanted to hear it all. Wanted every detail, so he could do something about it. Even if Ben was light years away now he wanted to try! He owed as much to Ben, damn it.

 

\---

 

Looking up at the sky as the memories all went to the back of his mind again. Poe kept a close look at the sky outside the hangar. This late it wasn't much personell out working on the ground, which he was thankful for. He didn't want company right now. Wouldn't be able to handle it, if he was going to be honest. Right this moment he wanted no company but the stars. They were more than enough for what he could handle. They were enough to make him wonder if something of the Ben he knew was left out there. If there was something worth bringing back home, and not just for the selfish need to have back what he once lost. 

He wondered if the boy he knew still had the memories they shared together. If he sometimes remembered them. If he too looked to the stars, remembering him. Wondering what had become of his friend.

But the moment passed, and Poe regretted the moment of weakness, of letting himself think of _the enemy_ as something human. Something less than pure darkness.

 


End file.
